What I wouldn't give for one last Chat with Matt. Sure I can still talk to him, but how I would love to have a real conversation with him. I was reading through the old blogs tonight and I realize we started out strong and really slowed down how often we did a blog, although we did have our Facebook Group to update people. Matt loved people. Matt loved his family. Matt loved me. (And I loved Matt.)
This past week has been a whirlwind and all sort of surreal at this point. We knew the disease would never get better, we know it would get worse but what we did not know is how quickly this would happen. I guess you never know. You never know what any moment will bring and that is why you should live life to its fullest. Never take anything for granted, big or little. It's so cliché to say live every day as if it were your last.... But it's true. What if you don't get the chance to say goodbye to someone, or tell them you love them, or you're sorry or you care or any of a hundred other things....What are you waiting for? Do it today. Life is short. Nobody believes that until they get a little older, a little wiser or they watch a little child grow up. It.Happens.Fast. Don't wait for the time to be right, the time will never be right. You can make excuses or you can make it happen.
I have a lot of Faith in God. I truly, truly do. Sometimes I don't hear him, and I've been told it's because I'm not quiet enough to listen. (ha ha, I do try) I want a burning bush.... I want a booming voice from the sky. I want to know the why....everything happens for a reason...what is the reason for this? I'm sure one day I will find out. Time does have a way of healing and you can get bitter or you can get better. Time heals, it doesn't forget, but it heals. If you get angry over the bad things that happen you will waste away what is rest of your life. Have Faith. Trust God.
I will miss Matt terribly. I will miss our chats over diet pepsi. I will miss knowing he is there. I will miss him calling me to tell me something completely off the wall because he thought of it and I will miss him listening about my day or my family. I will miss hearing how proud he is of me. I will miss him. My brother, my friend, my confidante. He listened, he cared and he understood me in ways that most people do not. I hate that I didn't know our last conversation was our last, when he spoke to me, but I do know the last conversation I had with him alone, just the two of us, I said "I love you" and he mumbled it back. I played music for him and I held his hand and I loved him.
The showing of support from our family, friends, our community - was truly remarkable. He was loved and respected and that was evident by the amount of people we saw come through that church.
One of the hardest things for me was watching his children mourn the loss of their father. Matt was 56. Our dad was 55, I was 16 years old. Julia (His youngest) is a little older than I was when my dad died, but I know that emptiness, that feeling of knowing your dad won't be at all your big events....and I understand it. (Julia, I will always be there for you!) Matt was a lot like our dad -Hard worker, great provider, strong family man. Matt's presence much like my fathers was larger than life. The legacy my dad started, Matt carried on.
They both made a difference in the lives of so many people.
I know I'm rambling on now, but I felt the need to write one last blog for Matt (about Matt) and to thank all that supported him.--- visited, prayed, called, wrote or just thought of him through the last several years. We started this because he wanted to tell his story and I promised to do it for him.
His story has now ended and I know he would also want to thank you.
Writing a blog is a lot harder than most realize. I have appreciated your posts. You are right about making things happen and I certainly need to do that more. Maybe Matt's story hasn't ended. Maybe we will do things differently because of what he has gone through. I hope I do.
ReplyDeleteSo true! His life ended ... not his story! I’m reminded of that song by Matthew Weat - The story of your life... Is this the end or is it the beginning....
ReplyDeleteYes, definitely reminds me of that song.
DeleteKellie, I know I appreciate all the times that you and other people would post..
ReplyDeleteI tell you what..this hit everyone hard.. it still seems unreal that he is gone but he was one of the nicest people anyone would ever know..
Thanks again for doing this blog and always letting everyone know what was going on with Matt.
Hugs to all of you.
He WILL be sadly missed.
Thank you Deb!
DeleteMy father-in-law, Harold Closson, was the finest man I've ever known and I've been blessed to know more than my fair share of great men. He was diagnosed with bile duct cancer nine years ago and was told to get his affairs in order because he had 3-6 months left. Six weeks later he was gone.
ReplyDeleteI was bitter.
For many years I've been told that there is nobility in suffering. For my part it was a crock. What possible purpose was there in Harold's suffering? I prayed to some day have discernment only to be left with the realization that we are in control of nothing. Then it occurred to me that we can control our attitude, something I had preached to others for as long as I can remember.
Matt took a train load of lemons and chose to make lemonade every day, including and especially during his illness. When I visited him that moment of discernment hit me, I was watching the nobility of suffering through Matt. It had been right in front of me and I didn't see it until I drove home that day in July. Little did I know at the time what would soon transpire.
While I still lack clarity where understanding the role of suffering and loss is concerned I realize God worked through Matt toward me coming to terms with a nagging question. We are all on our own personal sojourn.
Thank you so much for that
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