I miss my “Chat’s with Matt” – a lot.
This pandemic would have been very hard on him especially when nursing homes weren’t allowing visitors so in that aspect as my momma always said “The Lord works in mysterious ways”.
This pandemic has been hard on me and I know on a lot of people in a lot of different ways but the nursing home residents that couldn’t have any visitors for such a long time not really a comparison to the challenges it has made me face (mostly just work stuff). Because of the pandemic just several months after Matt’s passing, I feel that I haven’t really grieved his loss; coupled with the fact that I actually “lost” my brother to MS several years ago.
He didn’t want to live like he was living as his quality of life had steadily gone downhill over the past several years. We tried so hard to find things, to do things to make ways to give him a sense of purpose and a sense of hope but he didn’t see the joy he gave us just by simply being him and being there. I understand how he felt, because we talked so many times about it. He missed what he “was” and didn’t like what he had “become” and he was angry. When he was denied the disability the first time, he called me, I will never ever forget it, I was in Columbus on a girls shopping trip. He told me “I feel like such a failure”. As if. As if he asked for this. As if he didn’t want to work and provide for his family, as if he didn’t want to see, to walk, to be able to pick things up and eat them on his own (without help or without making a mess.). As if he didn’t want to be whole. I don’t know why Matt had this journey, but he did, maybe to touch the lives he touched. Maybe someone he met learned about M.S. or how to treat M.S.
If you don’t know about Matt’s journey, he had M.S. (Multiple Sclerosis) and it affected his vision early on and he couldn’t see well. He explained it to me once like double vision. If he stared at something long enough he could focus on it but it took him some time. His other muscles were affected as well and he lost the ability to walk, and his finger/hand dexterity deteriorated (Think about not being on your smart phone---- he could not only not see it, he couldn’t push the right buttons to do things with it) At an M.S. event they took and rubbed Vaseline on goggles to show how vision was affected and a flipper (for swimming) on one foot and a high heel on the other- and that is what It felt like to walk. I asked him about that once and he said it’s like when your foot or arm falls asleep….only it never goes away.
I can’t imagine living with that every single day with no hope that it will get better.
What I remember about a young and healthy Matt was his zest for life and his huge personality, his amazing voice and his sense of humor. Matt was the most caring, giving and loving guys I have ever met. He was SO funny! One year when I was young, divorced, struggling to make ends meet, he bought me a DVD player because we didn’t have one. Before you could live stream anything you wanted, the only way to watch a movie was to rent one or buy one. Another time I was trying to fix my own plumbing problem (Matt was a plumber) and it was my first home with my ex-husband, I decided that I was a plumber’s daughter and I could fix this by myself. So at 9:00 at night (my ex was working)
I decided to take a P Trap off myself and I broke it. It was our only bathroom. I called Matt. He came to my rescue and fixed it that night. This was the type of guy my brother was. There are so many more stories I could tell.
He was my big brother, my protector, my confidante. Matt and I were the only two (of six) kids left at home when our siblings went off to college, marriage and life. There is a pretty significant age difference between the oldest and youngest (15 years) and I think we all experienced things a little differently because of the age gap. Matt was 4 years older than me, 5 years in school. He was a senior when I was a 7th grader. I looked up to him in a way that I cannot describe. I was proud to be his little sister!! (I still am)
He never judged me, even when he could have (and probably should have) and he was there for me even when I probably didn’t deserve it.
A big heart, a big voice, a big love. That is how I would describe my brother.
It’s not just today, the anniversary of his passing, but every day that I think of him.
So when they say “he’s in a better place” – I take comfort in that he is no longer suffering.
I truly hope he is running free in heaven and sitting with my parents and smiling down.
If you’ve ever seen the movie Wicked there is a song…..”For Good
A few of the Lyrics (and how I feel about Matt O.)
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them…..
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you…
Listen to it by clicking HERE.
